References for YO MOMMA

IN RESPONSE TO REFERENCE REQUEST FOR MRS L H PARKER

Dear Sir/ Madam

I can wholeheartedly recommend my Mummy for this post.  She tends upon my every whim, waking at night, gazing dotingly upon my beauteous chubby face when same is smeared with pureed carrot making me resemble a pumpkin with human or perhaps demon purpose, and literally cleaning up my poop whenever the opportunity occurs.

No task is beyond her - she carries me about like a Rajah, takes full responsibility for doling out helpings of Pink Medicine when I shout at her about my sore gums and has shown great initiative in planning a full and varied agenda of two or three entertainments per day with full hostessing and food preparation - a schedule which would stagger any party-planner.

Truly, she would be the best person for any job you can imagine.  No pride, no ability to negotiate, slavish devotion and 24 hour call.  The best.

I am not planning to let her go, but thank you for your interest.

Raspberries

George Smithson
Aged 1


IN RESPONSE TO SIMILAR REFERENCE REQUEST FOR MRS L H PARKER
16 YEARS LATER

Dear Sir

Whaddup? Why for you want my momma?  She no good.

Recommend her for WHAT now? You want da biiii-atch, you help yo'self, only you be helpin yo'sef better if you don tek her.  She leave mi clothes inna hamper for two days when I be needin' them, she dis my bevs and she raggin' on mi girl when she got sick in her hair.  What she be raggin' on mi girl for wid de offers of water?  Mi girl Caroline Sophie she done drunk a whole bottle of voddy, she got no call to be gettin' up in mi girl's face which she need for her puking up of da bevs.

She dis my banter and she be all "clean yo' room, now, 'fore you go out" when mi room don't need no cleanin.  Da Bitch so lazy she got a CLEANER fi clean the bathrooms!  SHE don't clean hessef, but MA room, I'm sposed to clean?  Nah, dat's no the way it gonna go down.  No respect.  You take her....


Yours faithfully

George Hamilton Parker
Aged 17
Wimbledon SW17