Thursday, 25 February 2016

Covering Your Arse

Thousands of clothings everywhere, and not a stitch to wear.

Look, I don't understand it.  I don't quite say I'd be happy in navy blue and black and white and grey for the rest of my life without any technicolour relief, but the amount of time I spend trying to source really simple things that don't cost a million pounds is ridiculous.  

After many years of searching, I have to spend the millions of pounds to buy something I don't really like that much.  So here it is: the definitive list to What Women Want (Dr Freud, pay attention):

A black cardigan.  This should be available in both a V and a turtle neck.  It should be available in a choice of materials at least a choice of cashmere, wool, cotton, silk: linen is an altogether more complex material and linen cardigans frequently want for heft.  It should be permanently available, not seasonally.  It should be available with certain variations in length and it should be available with a really deep welt at waist and cuffs for nutters like me who never got over the seventies.  Or have boobs the size of absurdist drama.  Delete as applicable.

A pair of leggings.  This is far more complex, as they should be available in many lengths (you know, like legs) from below knee to so long they have to be shuffled up your feet to form a delightfulness of  ruching around your ankles.  They should have a flat waistband and You Know Why.  They should be snaptastically stretchy and - here's a Kicker - they should be available in several materials including that which is the Trend Du Jour.  I am currently very annoyed at the lack of these leggings in faux suede.  On other occasions I am annoyed by the lack of them in silk or linen knit.  I like to be flexible in my irritation.

A shirt.  Again, cotton, silk, linen.  Dipped hem because curves are better whatever men would have you believe.  Well cut, available in three shades of grey, as well as black, navy, and off-white.  I suppose if you wanted to get really into it, you could research white with a tint for a thousand different skin tones, because true white's a brutal colour.  The absolute furthest design froufrou otherwise would be one crazy pattern or floral per season.  

You would think that capitalism would be able to meet these fairly simple needs, but you would think jolly wrong.   

Seriously, try finding a decent black cardigan in your size and choice of material that will wash and wear for a year without felting or holing or being so useless at keeping you warm that you have to shove a hoodie over it.   Needle in a haystack.