X Factor Bingo!

1. Take a piece of paper or card and divide it up into 9 squares (3 x 3. Like noughts and crosses.)

2. Choose nine of the following Judges' Comments:

"You could have a hit single with that."

"I just love you."

"You rocked it out."

"You are the heart and soul of the X Factor"

"Everybody loves you."

"You're so great to work with."

"Vote for Katie."

"You made it your own."

"This is where the competition gets interesting."

"You just became a popstar."

"You are the perfect package."

"I don't know what to say."

"That blew me away."

"You are what this competition is about."

"...to all those people who say competitions like this don't produce stars..."

"You are what the public want."

"... a little bit pitchy..."

"...you've had some bad press..."

"... you look uncomfortable..."

"... that was a risk..."

"... there were some tuning issues ..."

"... you've had some bad mentoring ..."

"... that was the wrong song for you ..."

"I think you've captured the theme really well."

"You are back in the competition."

"You need something a bit more contemporary."

"Don't listen to Simon."

3. Write each of your choices into each of your nine squares.

4. Watch, agog, to see which of your choices comes up, then cross it off.

5. First one to a line gets the Inside Soap magazine - first one to a full house gets the entire Quality Street Supply and control of the remote for the night.

Another two hours well spent. XOXO

GUILTY

Katie Waissel stands accused.

She is accused of being egotistical and self-promoting. Yes, yes, she is guilty, cries the chorus of self-righteousness from the Mail.

She is accused of lying about sleeping with Matt Cardle. She has not been quoted, but she is undoubtedly guilty because she has been accused by no less an authority than the News of the World, commonly known on Fleet Street of the Scourge of the Evil-Breasted-Womankind. (All women are evil, and the fact that they have STOLEN THE WORLD'S SUPPLY OF BREASTS can only confirm this in the mind of any right-minded person) and the Flame of Righteousness. When the News of the World says something, you can be sure in your own mind it is Incontrovertibly True.

She has been accused of being a drama queen, of having pictures of herself naked on her phone, of being "unpopular in the X Factor House" and is probably the Untidy One there, too.

Well, this is ALL TRUE. And here is the proof: she has worn feathery eyelashes. She has shown frequently that she idolises Etta James. And most damning of all, she did not sit on her bumcakes at a till, or in a callcentre, or at home, waiting for Simon Cowell to elevate her to stardom. She has worked her bony arse off trying to be a popstar. She has auditioned, and sung, and learnt the piano and the guitar, and written songs and sung them. She has gone to America to make a dodgy online series. She has written and recorded an anti-bullying "anthem". She has worked at making her dotty drama queen dream come true. For this, she is guilty, Guilty, GUILTY. And may never be forgiven.

Who Knew?

A week of revelation on the gogglebox.

Lady Mary, whom I hugely enjoy hating, has finally got some comeuppance. This youngest and prettiest of all the Evil Cows on Downton Abbey permitted a Foreigner first into her bedroom and then into her back bottom, and was hideously punished for this crime against her class - and her arse - by his prompt and irreversible death.

On the one hand, this is most pleasing. Lady Mary was thoroughly taken down a peg or two. On the other, it points to buttocks of amazing, not to say supernatural, power. Who may attempt to make Lady Mary next his sex toy and yet " a virgin for her husband" and what will become of them? Does her fatal bottom employ its mighty power only against foreigners, as her family's perky xenophobia might lead one to suspect? Or is it against all comers? And is it only her back bottom, or must Lady Mary's husband take on a virginity which must surely end his bridal night in Death? It is all a very jolly speculation. Matthew, the drippy heir apparent, looks like the likely next suitor, but he is too wringing a wet blanket to attempt either extra marital or anal activities with anybody, and may thus bury them all...

And then, in the Apprentice, somebody with a proper London accent survived the Boardroom. Lord Sugar picked on somebody a bit quiet for the boot, and over on "You're Fired" the delightful Dara O'Brain more than made up for Adrian Chiles, and Jack Whitehall restrained himself from being a complete nobdollop and was really quite amusing. A week of wonders, indeed.